Ugh, hypothyroidism.

Over the past three months, I've been very stagnant on my weight loss.  That's why I decided to take an exercise class this month.  I wanted to catch up.  I thought it was my fault for not losing it.  In the first week, I lost three pounds and I was very excited!

Then I stepped on the scale this week.

Those three pounds are back and the scale reads the same old number I've been seeing for months.  And it's not just my weight.  I measured myself and found that I not only didn't lose any inches anywhere, but I actually gained in some places.  I'm so god damn frustrated.  I've tried all sorts of diet adjustments.  Various exercise levels.  It just isn't coming off. The worst part is that I was warned about this from my primary - that I would hit a weight plateau.  I just thought it'd be closer to my target weight.  And, even worse, my target weight is still 15 pounds more than what I should weigh.  And I'm 26 pounds from my target weight.

Not to sound like a whiny teenager, but it just seems so unfair.  Losing weight is hard enough.  Hypothyroidism takes that difficulty and multiplies it by 100.  I have to fight for every pound I lose - and every pound I don't lose.  I gain for absolutely no reason.  And don't even get me started on motivation.

Even worse, I did some research.  I'm already on a restrictive diet.  It seems like, in order to lose any more weight, I'm going to have to restrict myself even more.  No more high-sugar fruits or dairy.  Absolutely no breads, not even low-cal, low-carb ones.  I'd be limited to certain proteins and certain vegetables.  If I wanted any kind of diversity, I'd have to give up my pescetarian diet.  And, when and if I do lose the weight, I'd never be able to go back or I'd gain it all back.

I understand restricting yourself to a healthy diet, but where does it cross the line?  When is it no longer worth it?  To never eat another slice of bread again?  Or maybe only once a month and then have to bust rear to get it off?

I'm starting to wonder if I should give up my weight goals for this year.  But it was one of my big three.  I seriously feel like curling up in a ball and crying.  What's the point in having goals when I can't even meet them?

Times are Changing plus Day 7!

Before I get into my post, I wanted to share with you our huge cleaning success this past week.  Look at that left-side catastrophe that was our den closet.  It was a terrifying wreck. Almost everything after my zombie-themed birthday party got crammed in there last year along with all our Renfest gear.  There's a torn up laundry basket filled with nothing of value on the top shelf.  I can even see a white trash bag of clothes so messed up or torn up I'd be embarrassed to donate them.  What a wreck!

Fortunately, because it was such a mess, it took me and my husband a whole two hours to clean it out total.  A lot of it went straight to the trash.  Surprisingly, under the pile was a bunch of old computer stuff that my husband had to sort.  Getting him motivated to do it was honestly what took the longest.  We ended up one with case and one box out of all of that stuff.

What was left after our clean-out was a half-empty closet that could honestly be combined with the office closet.  My goal, by the end of September, is to empty out so much of our stuff that moving is a one-day job and not a one-week job.  I also want to get empty enough by May that moving my best friend and her boyfriend in will be a piece of cake, not a cram-fest.

Which leads me to my next topic: times are changing.  My best friend, Charli, confirmed that she will be moving down by the end of May.  When we were in high school, all we ever talked about was rooming at SCAD together.  Of course, neither of us went to SCAD, and thank goodness too - she already has enough student loans and I would have actually had them on top of Aaron's.  Yikes!

Aaron and I have had our share of bad roommate experiences.  So has Charli and Eric.  After everything we've been through, Charli might be the only person in the universe I would attempt to live with.  I won't lie: I'm terrified.  I don't want to ruin our friendship.  But with some few base laws that we all have to abide by (read: roommate agreement), and some friendship elbow grease, I think it'll really work.  So far, every fear I have had about it has simply panned out, which I think is a good sign.

The other day we were talking and Charli mentioned something about how much I've changed.  So much so, she felt "out of the loop."  Things really are changing.  For one, the camping trip made me realize that I want to camp way more often.  Once a month would be great.  And I really want to go on a more extended trip involving a few days.  I never realized how much I would enjoy it.  So there's that.

Two, I've decided to make a major life decision and go pescetarian (also known as a pesci-vegetarian).  It sounds like a huge, random leap but it's actually been a long time coming.  I spent a few weeks gently avoiding all meat and found it to be relatively easy.  I then addressed my desire to my husband, who supports me whole-heartedly.  After this week, I will no longer be as lax about it was I was in the past month or so and will start stating that I'm a pescetarian when offered non-pescetarian food.

So why pescetarian?  A variety of reasons, actually.  It's actually cheaper to be a pescetarian or vegetarian than it is to be an omnivore.  There's a reason many third-world country citizens are vegetarian and not by choice.  Meat is actually downright expensive.  Also, a vegetarian or pescetarian diet tends to be fiber-rich and lower in fat.  Since I've been having trouble losing weight, a pescetarian diet could give me the boost I need to drop some more pounds.

Then there's all the standard reasons.  Everyone knows my stance on animal rights and cruelty.  How can I be against animal cruelty when I eat animals who haven't had a fair life?  I don't think for one minute that my resignation of eating beef, pork or poultry will change the industries.  It's simply a preference I have.  On top of it, abstaining from eating meat reduces my personal carbon footprint and personal water consumption.  Again, I'm not someone who thinks that my decision has a huge impact.  I'm aware of how small it is.  But small as it may be, it's there.  That's what matters to me.

But why pescetarianism instead of vegetarianism?  The answer's simple: I'm moderately carb-intolerant thanks to my thyroid.  While I still think cutting higher-fat meats out of my system will help me lose weight, I'm aware of the protein I need to survive.  Therefore, I'm willing to include fish and shellfish out of my concern for my personal health.  That also makes it easier on my relatives, who may not understand what seems like a sudden change.

If I could go vegan, I would.  I can't afford to at this point in my life.  I would like to avoid more animal products in the future, beyond just what I eat.  It's a goal for much later.

And finally, my Day 7 Inspirational Challenge from Monday:

Inspirational Challenge

Day 7: Monday, April 15th

Wake up 30 minutes early for...

Breakfast Questions

What is my greatest challenge in my life right now?
Honestly, I'm a harsh critic of everyone when I'm completely by myself.  I need to stop judging others by the same standard I judge myself.  Everyone's fighting their own battle and trying their best.

Who do I love in my life?
My husband helps me through everything.  He is my psychiatrist, my wellness coach, my support group, my chef and my love all in one.  I don't know how I got so lucky.

What am I proud of in my life?
My three rescues who continue to amaze me every day.
My ability to achieve my dream job and maintain it without having a "day" job.
My dedication to my health.  Even if I messed up a bit last month, I've been routinely successful.

What brings me happiness in my life?

My friends.  They're an amazing group of girls.  I have so much in common with them and they have truly changed my life.  And my best friend, who has always been there for me, always pushing me to be the best version of myself possible.

What am I grateful for in my life?

My health.  Despite being hypothyroid, which is a common affliction and manageable with medication, I am otherwise healthy and relatively fit.

One Random Act of Kindness

I offered my condolences about the Boston Marathon explosions on Monday via Facebook to spread the word.  It's not much, I know, but it's something.

Also, while it's not really random, I did offer to pay for my religious group's get-together next Tuesday on Monday.

Donate One Item

Final donation list: Bag of 20+ like-new cat and dog toys, pirate shirt (never used), old pageboy hat, art box, braided leather belt, two fake machetes, Webster Dictionary, Hawaii keychain, two bracelets, two banana clips and one incense burner.
There's actually a lot more than this, but these are the items I decided to pull specifically for this challenge.

Read for 30 Minutes

Did this!

20-30 Minutes of Exercise

Walked the dog for about 20 minutes.  You know, before it started raining again...

End of the Day Questions

How did today go?
It went well!

What were your strengths?
I've been having a long streak of successful portion control this week.  Seems I'm back on my diet full-force!

What were your weaknesses?
Trying to work has been a struggle.  I'm experiencing severe burnout from work.  Also, the two weeks almost-straight of clouds have not helped one bit.

What went well?
Since we finished cleaning the closet today, donating was again the easiest task.

What are you grateful for?
My husband and pets, who make life worth living.

What could you do different next time?
When I wake up, I need to stay up, no matter how tired the clouds make me.  I think it's impeding any desire I have to work.

Anything else?
Nope!

Getting back on top of things.

No check-in this week.  Why?  I've been on a much-needed vacation from absolutely everything.  Other than taking commissions for this upcoming week, sorting some paper work and some deep cleaning for the house, I really just stayed in and played games all week.  I got my hair dyed, went to Perkins and generally said screw it to my diet.  Even more so, the in-laws came over to help us clear some brush from the backyard today and I, for the first time ever, did not participate.

I have been one lazy slob.

But now, it's Monday, and that's officially over.  I can't say I feel 100% rested from the monotony that has been the 2013 catch-up year (that'd take at least another week... maybe two?), but I feel better.  Now I need to look towards the rest of the month.  Thanks to my fantastic week off, I have to do four weeks worth of work in about three.  Yikes!  I reorganized my marker calendar, stepped up my schedule planning and set up a calendar on my desktop in Sticky Notes.  I've got my week planned out and, if I can stay on top of everything, I'll be set.

The big thing about last month was that it was the first month I didn't hit my weight loss goal.  In fact, I actually gained a pound. Disappointing!  I weighed myself this morning and nothing has changed despite being off the diet (phew!).  That's at least a firm step in place.  To take steps forward, I need to be proactive.

Yesterday, I tagged some of the friends who used to work out with me on a regular basis to see if they wanted to set up regular exercise times again.  I actually ended up hearing from someone else entirely, Nic, who wanted to set up Wednesday jog days.  Alex also contacted me about Tuesday nights, so I should be heading her direction for Zumba then.

Natalie and I, as far as I know, are still meeting for Monday and Thursday night exercises.  Truth is, we haven't met in a while though.  I cancelled on her last Thursday for a showing and she cancelled last Monday for a hangover.  And, while I can't remember from before that, there has been a lot of cancelling going on.  To make matters even worse, I have a friendship emergency that will have me out of town tomorrow.  I expect to get back in tomorrow evening, so I'm hoping she'll be up for exercising then.

If I can keep all of that going, that's four light to moderate workouts every week.

On top of that, I got our local high school's community education packet.  In May of last year, I took an exercise course through the school district.  I lost 15 pounds and kept it off, but have struggled to lose any more than that since then.  I fully intended to take the course again in the fall, but the moved they location and I didn't want to drive all the way out there.  While they haven't moved it closer for the spring, I'm really tired of trying to do this by myself, so I fully intend to take it again.  I asked the group and Natalie showed interest.  I'm hoping we can get at least two days in for that each week.  That'll change up my schedule a bit for May and June, but it'll be worth it.

Finally, I'm looking into some week-long challenges for April to get me to my goal.  I haven't settled on anything yet, though I probably should since this is week one, but here are some challenges I've been interested in:

7 Day Challenges:
Summer Arms Challenge
Summer Butt Challenge
Summer Abs Challenge
Clean Eating Challenge
Salad Challenge
Inspirational Challenge

I'm not much for sitting around and doing nothing.  The only way to move forward is to get moving.  Hopefully, between the challenges, the new exercise nights and the classes in May, I'll get back on top of my weight loss goals.

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Edit: Take my poll below to help me decide which 7 Day Challenge I should start tomorrow!  I've excluded the clean eating and salad challenges because I've already grocery shopped for this week, but all the other ones are open.  OR, if you have a seven day challenge you want to suggest, choose "Other" and comment on this journal entry with a link!

Which 7 Day Challenge should I begin tomorrow?
	Summer Arms Challenge
	Summer Butt Challenge
	Summer Abs Challenge
	Inspirational Challenge
	Other (Please comment with a link to your suggestion!)
pollcode.com free polls

Why I Haven't Checked In: My Non-Success.

There it is staring me right in the face.  My non-success.  Even though I'm trying to keep my chin up and stay positive, it's pretty hard right now.

Before I dive into my pity-party, which I desperately need, I want to go over some practical reasons why my weight is the way it is.

1. I've been on short-term steroids for about a week.
Here's some facts about steroids: They make you hungry as hell and increase your water retention.  Even more, steroids like the one I'm using have been known to cause and aggravate hypothyroidism.  I'm on the steroids to help with my overwhelming allergy and asthma problems, but I come off of them in three days.  Unfortunately, to make matters worse, the side effects can stick around for up to three weeks after your dose.  So, you know, there's that.

2. We had a friend in from out of town and ate out.  A lot.
Now I can't blame him.  He didn't initiate any of the fast food runs - to be fair, he even attempted to say no to one of them but I can't cook and didn't want to leave him hungry.  What it came down to is, for the better part, it was two against one and I'm the odd person out.  One round even led to some overnight food poisoning and that led me to skip a pill of my levothyroxine.  I'm not taking anything when I'm hovering over a toilet.  So there's also that.

So now that I've gotten that out of the way, I still want my damn pity party.

Last year, when I lost weight, I became trapped in the 160's.  Seeing 167 over and over on the scale when I had followed a diet and exercise routine for three weeks was devastating.  That's why I gave up. I feel like I am forever stuck. And, while I followed the diet routine every day like clockwork then, that certainly doesn't happen now.  I feel like I put a lot of effort into losing weight only to ruin it in a few days every time.

It doesn't help that I have people shoving fatty food in my face everywhere I go.  My mom brought over chocolate covered marshmallows on Saturday and my friend Mike brought over two chocolate bunnies on Easter.  I even had an extended argument with Mike about why we can't do weekly sushi anymore.  My metabolism isn't as fast as everyone else's.  I can't constantly eat these things and stay thin.  Hell, if I even glance in their general direction, my thighs swell.  I wish people would understand that they're sabotaging me and I don't have the self-control to say no.

And work.  Ugh, work.  You know what sucks about being self-employed?  Everything you make is dependent on how hard you work.  Last year, we failed because we didn't have sufficient funds for all the catastrophes.  I don't want that to happen again and that results in me routinely overbooking myself.  Overbooking myself leads to me running dangerously close to deadlines.  When deadlines get tight, I turn to McDonald's or pizza and push myself through.  And it works. I wish it didn't, but it does.  And that definitely happened this round.   I wish fatty foods didn't motivate me like they do.

To make matters worse, the exercise nights I used to have?  Gone.  The girls just got too busy and we never really exercise anymore.  There is one girl that attempts to make it out but she cancels often.  And that just leaves me in a defunct state.  "Well, no one's coming and I don't really have the time anyway, so I'll just skip it."  I need the accountability and I'm really lacking it right now.

I guess I'm just tired of being the only person in my life that cares about the weight I gained from my hypothyroidism.  I'm tired of being the only person trying to change everything.  I want to be positive.  That was the point of this blog - taking something so terrible as 2012 and creating something positive out of the ashes.  But it sucks when you're the only one with the motivation, the only one that cares and the only one struggling to change.

I just feel really alone right now.  And a bit like a failure.

And the worst part?  I have no one to blame but myself.  I need to learn some self-control.  The word no is dangerously lacking from my vocabulary.  I need to stop getting angry that my husband doesn't care about losing weight or that my friends are too busy.  Even if it's just me alone in my basement, I need to work out.  I need some god damn motivation to do this stuff on my own.

And there's my self-pity rant.  That is all.

Seriously. STAHP.

For days when my self-control is a little out of control.

My Favorite Salad

What you'll need:
10 leafs of Basil
10 leafs of Mint
1-2 cups of Baby Spinach
1/4th - 1/2 of a Cucumber
Sea Salt
Pepper

What you'll do:
Mix the basil, mint and baby spinach.  Add according to your taste.
Slice the cucumber on top.
Add a bit of sea salt and pepper on top and enjoy!

The cucumber will pick up the salt and pepper. You can then grab a piece in every bite for the full flavor effect.  The best part about this salad?  No salad dressing!

Calorie Count: Just 50.  And that's on the high end.