Crapstorm 2013

2012 knocked on my door about two weeks ago.  Nearly every catastrophe that happened last year is happening again.  Losing place to live?  Check.  Huge four-digit car repair bill? Check.  Bad, costly health news?  Check.

Where to begin.

I've always been aware that our living situation was temporary.  I've never been more grateful for what we've got.  Unfortunately, the ride is over.  About two weeks ago, we got word that we would need to be out by the end of August.  Aaron and I have been trying to scrape together every penny to make a successful down payment on a decent place, and we would have had it too if his car hadn't bitten the big one.

Only a day after getting that news, we got stranded in the airport terminal trying to pick up a friend because his car randomly wouldn't start.  A tow truck, a lost terminal card and $1400 later and it's fixed.  There was obviously a lot more than just the starter wrong - some of it we knew about and just had fixed anyway.  Nonetheless, there goes the down payment on a place to live.

Not that that matters much.  The top place on our list decided they no longer take huskies, after telling me on a phone call and  in person the first time I saw the place that they did.  Turns out, next-to-nill townhouses with adequate space in the KC area take huskies.  That's a huge problem since my best friend owns one.  We've started looking at renting houses, but the monthly rent is just too high.  Townhouses here tend to stay just under 1k, but houses almost immediately jump to $1200.  Seems freaking impossible.

On top of the costs, my yearly auto insurance bill came in, so that's another four-digit chunk out of my account.  And I finally went to see a dentist.  That's getting pretty costly too, since apparently I neglected the hell out of my teeth and our dental insurance doesn't cover as much as I wish it did.  Every visit is around $150 for what I need.  Ouch.  That and I do actually have my wisdom teeth.  They're completely impacted.  Insurance only pays 50% of that costly surgery.  That's completely and totally out.  Not happening.  Can't afford it.

A few nights ago, a spring in our mattress poked through.  This isn't the first time it's happened.  We've already flipped our mattress for an impossible spring pop and it's full of duct tape patches.  Aaron patched it last night, but this morning, it ripped through my PJ pants and stabbed my leg.  It wasn't bad enough for an ER, but there was quite a bit of blood involved.  That also means we need to officially buy a new mattress.

With what money?

So I started applying for a second job pretty much anywhere a week or so ago.  I don't know what else to do.  I had a pretty successful few interviews the past week, but of course none of them are anywhere near my field.  Everything in my instincts tells me to just buck it up.  That 80 hour work weeks won't be that tough and that it's really the only option at this point.

But is it really worth it to lose everything?  Right when I was beginning to love my life and get involved with things that make me happy, I suddenly have to cut it all off.  The volunteering, the Circle, the exercise.  When will I have time for it?

If I get a call back for any of these jobs, I have a big decision to make: to turn it down and continue with the goals I've set for myself this year, or to take the job and risk losing everything due to stress and lack of time.

This also includes being unable to complete my needed dental work since they're only open Monday-Thursday 10-5 and I'll have to work then.  It means not going to see an endo because I won't be able to take a few hours off.  It means sacrificing not only my spiritual and emotional happiness but my health as well.  How worth it is that?

At the same time, all Aaron and I have ever done is splashed around in the water, bobbing up just enough to catch a breath before being raked under again.  It'd be nice to get on a raft during this flood.  A second job could provide that.  But at what cost?

I will do a check-in as soon as I can figure out how to manage this explosion.

June - The Month I Almost Didn't.

I could say something fancy about June being the halfway point, the steep slope at the top of the mountain that I want 2013 to be, but that's really not what caused me to fall behind this month.  And, regardless of what the number at the top of my check-in below says, I really did fall behind.

I think there's an inevitable adjustment period for any major life change.  Even if it's a smooth transition, underlying stress can really bite at you.  That's what I've been experiencing for June.

My biggest problem was work.  I never intended to take June off.  May was my resting month.  June just kind of got tagged on to it.  My biggest problem?  I still feel like Charli and Eric are visiting.  I can't tell you how many times I skipped work to watch a movie or talk to my best friend in the dining room.  Sometimes, just sitting bored here at the desk will get me working, but I'm not even around my computer much anymore.  And it's not for lack of Charli telling me to work.  I just feel like it's rude to hide back here and not talk to anyone.  And that's my problem.

I also didn't get much cleaning done.  Heck, I fell behind on my chores.  Given that I previously did all of the chores on the chart, only having to do a few should free up my time.  Instead, I can't even attack them.  Also my problem.  

In the process, my desk, which was going fairly unused, is also getting cluttered with my things.  It's an easy place to put everything.  We also moved my desk to make room for Eric's desk.  In the process, everything that was on my desk is on the floor.  Still is.  I finally started attacking it today, but it's still a giant mess.

That being said, I have had some successes this month.

The first success is that I not only lost 5 pounds, but went on to lose and additional 1.2.  Look at that bad ass number up there.  Not only am I way overdue for my digital camera, but I'm damn close to my Wreck This Journal box set!  I've also jarred $20 for my thrift store shopping spree.  Super stoked.  

I've volunteered like crazy with ESFOA.  Managing the booth on my own for a little over four hours, I felt like I definitely got the swing of things much better and know more about the organization I volunteer with. I would like to get even more involved and approached Marilyn about it a bit at the event.  I feel like I'm not doing enough.

I suppose I should add this to my volunteer area.  I've been leading the Circle of Open Traditions since September of last year.  We are an open-faith pagan circle who celebrate the Wheel of the Year in a generalized but special way.  There's currently eight of us sans not-of-faith significant others who often join us for celebrations.  This month, we celebrated the Summer Solstice by camping out in my back yard.  You can read more about that here.

In addition to maxing out in the volunteer and weight loss sections, I spent a lot of time with my husband.  His help volunteering this past weekend was amazing.  We ended up eating out that day and I still managed to stay in check with a salad from Ventana.  Not too bad!

So that's about it for June, the month I almost didn't.  I'm going to go ahead and take this moment to bust out my July check-list.

Weight loss success and many updates.

Ugh, seriously. What was I thinking with that haircut back then?

My weight loss adventure: 32 pounds down, 20 to go. I'm well over halfway through my journey! This time last year, I'd lost my first 10 and I just could not see a difference. I'm definitely seeing it today. I feel like the person in the photo to the right isn't even the same as the one on the left! On top of that, my best friend and I went bra shopping just shortly after she took that photo.  I'm still a 38 in the strap, but I could definitely see me going down to the 36 before it's over.  I tried on a 36 in the store and it was just a tiny, tiny bit too tight.  A bigger bonus?  It was a D.  I'm going to be a 36D.  To all the people who teased me about being flat chested in high school: Suck on THAT!

Although I was actually in training bras throughout high school.  Shhhh.  I was a late bloomer. Anyway...

Speaking of my best friend, this is a group photo of myself, my husband Aaron, her boyfriend Eric and my best friend Charli (ironically also the set for one of my "before" pictures).  Charli and I met in middle school and she was quite literally my saving grace.  I was struggling with bullies and she taught me how to deal with them.  I attribute my strong will and stubborn attitude to her.  After high school, she followed her dreams of becoming an animator and went to school up near Chicago.  Once she graduated with her BFA she stayed there.  For years, she'd talked about moving back to KC for a cheaper cost of living but it just never seemed to work out.  This year, she put an expiration date on Chicago.  We moved her and her boyfriend down over the weekend of June 1st.

Both Charli and I have had multiple roommates in the past and we've both had somewhat negative experiences. Both of us are cautiously entering the world of roommatedom.  Aaron and I have a roommate agreement that we all signed.  We also have a chore chart, which is actually working out amazingly well.   It's nice to have another person in the house who can cook, taking the pressure off of Aaron from time to time.  I can't cook for beans and my diet almost exclusively requires me to do so.  Not only that, but Charli's diet is very similar to mine.  It makes things much easier.

Friday was a particularly good day.  We had a fantastic morning, Charli and I went shopping for the better part of the evening, then we all went on a double date to Granite City for the night.  If that's foreshadowing how living together will work out, bring it on!

Other than moving Charli in and losing weight, things have been slow.  Every year, I suffer burnout for about a month and a half and a "career crisis" for about a month, though usually not at the same time.  This year, they both hit and it was a double whammy I'm still trying to get over.  Nothing like feeling overworked and thinking your time as a freelancing artist has expired.  It was a tough blow to my already usually low ego to realize I have very few "useful" skills outside of drawing.  I'm over the career crisis now, but should I ever decide to change careers in the future, I will definitely have to go back to school.  Since I already have a BA, I won't be able to get the financial aid I received previously.  That means loans.  And Aaron's student loans already kill us enough as it is.  Might just be better to be a housewife at that point, lol.

And no, despite my mother-in-law's speculation, I am not currently a housewife.  I do work, and very hard might I add.

... Just not apparently when I'm suffering a burnout.

That being said, I have a few cushions I've been using the past month and a half to get by.  The first is probably the cause of my burnout in the first place - I'm well over my target income for 2013 at this point.  I'd have to fully take off another month to be even on target.  That's why I don't feel nearly as pressured to hop back on if I don't feel up to it.  The second cushion has been caricature gigs.  I market myself as a character designer and caricaturist but, this year, I've been heavily focusing character design.  When I noticed signs of burnout, I started to take more caricature gigs.  Instead of working at my own pace from home over the week, I spend time over the weekend at parties drawing people.  It's a nice change and keeps us from going too broke over the burnout months.  Plus, I'm a pretty rocking party artist if I do say so myself.  Two-and-a-half minutes gets you one of my bad boys.

Don't make a face! I will draw it in there.

Today was an odd day - I had my first hypocoma in months.  Slept all the way until 5 pm, went back to bed around 8 and slept until 1 am.  Even for the three hours I was awake, I was in a fog.  I spent a lot of time slumped in my chair in front of my computer staring off into a distance.  When I did interact, I was unintentionally snippy.  We visited my in-laws to pick up a tent for an upcoming holiday, Midsummer.  While there, I bent over to pick up a box and the tent bag fell on me.  Hurt like the dickens.  Instead of asking what happened or make sure that Aaron was okay, I snapped at him with a "THANKS."  I'm never at my best when my thyroid is being a prick.

Even though I've slept so much today, I think I'm going to go back to bed.  I'd like to get some rest and wake up at a semi-decent time to get things done.

Goodnight folks!

How to Stay Motivated When Self-Employed

Today is a difficult day.  It's cloudy, you're groggy and nothing seems to be coming to you.  No matter how successful your business is or how much you like what you do, you will inevitably run into days where being self-employed is more like pulling teeth than a walk in the park.  In fact, as a freelance illustrator, I'm having one of those days today!  By looking over this list of things I do to motivate myself, maybe I can get back on track while helping someone like you find your inner drive.

1. Dress to impress.
It's often too easy to stay in your cozy flannel pajamas all day long.  No one's going to see you, so why should you brush your hair or put any make-up on?  Why should you take a morning shower and shave off the 5 o'clock shadow from the day before?  Because studies show that when you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, you do better work. Sometimes throwing on some slacks and eyeliner, or even just some jeans that you'd wear to the store, can improve your performance when working from home.  It's easy, it doesn't take much time and it's motivating!

2. Lists are your friend.
It's like walking into a heinously messy room: sometimes the problem isn't "I don't want to do anything," but rather "I don't know where to start."  Making a weekly, daily or even hourly check-list can help you focus your energy.  Try any number of programs like Sticky Notes or Daily To-Do List, or simply create a traditional to-do list.  Remember to take the items you need to accomplish and break them down into smaller, obtainable tasks.  By doing so, you can have a clearer vision of your day.

3. Naps and frequent breaks are okay!
Studies how that a nap or some quick breaks can actually boost performance.  Don't feel guilty - the average worker spends 17 of his 45 hours at work being unproductive.  It's okay to take a quick 15 every hour or two.  If you're halfway through the day and can't keep your eyes open, set your alarm for a fast nap.  Not only will you be refreshed after your break or nap, but you'll find that the quality of your work will improve when you're not pushing yourself through the grinder for it.

4. Reward yourself.
Sometimes, just striking a task off your to-do list can be all the reward you need.  If you're looking for something more, however, try to fit it in to your breaks.  It can be as simple as, "If I complete this project, I can play a flash game for 15 minutes."  Make it something non-disruptive but satisfying and you'll find yourself aching to complete your task just to get your reward.

5. Add some background noise.
We've all heard that music can help you study, but did you know it can improve worker productivity?  And it's not just music.  What most Nine-to-Fivers have in an office, freelancers often lack: the sound of keyboards tapping away, phones ringing, chatter among employees.  Ambient noise, music or nature sounds can have a fantastic impact on your motivation.  Sites like Pandora, Rainy Mood, Simply Noise, and Ambient-Mixer all offer ways to improve the sound of your work environment.  Yet another easy way to find some drive and inspiration.

6. Visualize where you're going.
Vision boards are a great way to see where you want to be and are a useful tool to motivate yourself.  What is a vision board?  It's a combination of notes, photos, magazine clippings and trinkets that "identify your vision and give it clarity, reinforce your daily affirmations and keep your attention on your intentions."  You can easily make a vision board with either poster board or a bulletin board, or you can this online vision board maker.  However you do it, make sure it fully represents pictures and ideas that motivate you and remind you of what you see for yourself and your business in the near future!

7. Change your environment.
Sometimes a certain color, setting or even amount of people can give you energy that you can feed off of to motivate yourself.  For those of you with laptops, this is a simply pick-up and move.  Try working from your dining room table or even your coffee table for a day, or head down to your local coffee shop.  If you can't pick up your workstation and move, try giving it a good cleaning.  Give your desk some small additions like a plant or photos for a small burst of motivation when you need it.  Adding light to your office can actually increase your productivity, so try opening your windows or adding a clear light lamp. If you're experiencing a particularly long lull in motivation - upwards of weeks or even months - try recreating your office by adding new furniture and a coat of paint.  For more information on what colors actually increase productivity, check out this article.

8. Your diet may be your detriment. 
If you're still sluggish and unproductive after making multiple changes, the problem may be with your lifestyle outside of work.  We all know that getting a full night's rest will improve your drive, but what about the food you eat?  Things like caffeine or sugar can help you run fast in the morning, but you may find yourself experiencing a sugar crash when you need to be productive the most.  Sugar can actually even make you sluggish later in the day or even in the days ahead.  The solution?  Protein wakes us up, Omega-3 fatty acids improve our memory, and foods like soybeans, yogurt, walnuts and cheese give us a boost of dopamine that makes us feel better.  In fact, a healthy diet all around can increase our productivity.  How about that!

9. Get moving to motivate.
And while we're already talking about health, exercise can also increase your drive.  Not only does exercise release endorphins which makes us less stressed, but shedding the pounds can boost self-esteem - and we've already talked about how feeling good about ourselves increases our motivation.  The CDC has a guideline for the amount of activity you need in a week, but most experts agree three thirty-minute exercise sessions are enough to do the trick. So bust out the weights and build your cardio, because sweating could be the key to turning around your drive.

10. Find a coworker.
It's a proven fact that support from your coworkers can reduce your stress, which results in increased motivation.  There's nothing like having a shoulder to lean on when things get stressful, or having a friendly competition with the guy in the cubicle next to you.  However, when you're self-employed, you might find yourself coworker-free.  This is why networking is essential to a freelancer.  But exactly how does one who spends all their time alone in the confines of their home office discover self-employed coworkers?  Facebook, Twitter and Linked In offer a variety of options to network yourself. Websites like Meetup and Groupspaces offer the chance to find local meets with like-minded and like-employed individuals.  Not only can finding coworkers and friends keep you motivated by sharing stories and releasing stress, but you can share in the friendly competition and accountability that is present in a 9-5 situation.  Even better, you might find that your friend can push some new clients your direction.  Double bonus!

What every self-employed individual needs to remember is how to forgive themselves.  No one is productive 100% of the time and you are bound to have off days.  When you can afford to take a few days off and regroup, try the strategies above to rediscover your workday passion.

Freelancing Fallacies

"Well, you're home so they can just drop by whenever, right?"

"If you were home all week, why is this place not spotless?"

"You can help out more.  It's not like you really work anyway."

These past few days have reminded me time and time again of what my extended family thinks I do all day.  And, while I love my clients, they can sometimes be no better. These detriments have actually inspired me to write a list of my favorite freelancing fallacies - mistaken beliefs about those of us who illustrate and have the drive to be self-employed.

1. Since you use [insert service, website or type of electronic here], you can be my tech support, right?
I can't tell you the number of times I've been asked an Outlook, Access, Adobe or Paypal tech support question.  I don't know why you can't see my invoice in Paypal - I've sent it and sent you a reminder.  Maybe you should double check the e-mail you gave me for a typo.  Or maybe you should contact Paypal support.  I don't own Paypal; I just use it - just like you.

2. If you work from home, you're available to talk business 24/7.
If you e-mail me at 9 at night, chances are I'm not going to answer it until around 9 AM the next day.  Don't get angry with me.  I want to give you the best service possible, but I also deserve evenings and weekends off - just like you.

3. Why can't you just drop everything and see a movie with me? I mean, you get to make your own schedule anyway, right?
I'm generally scheduled down to the last minute of my work day.  If I don't, I can't get everything done.  If don't get everything done, I don't get paid.  If you want to see a movie with me, ask me a week or two ahead of time.  Chances are, I can move some stuff around and see it with you then.  However, if you ask me the day before or the day of, I'm probably going to decline.  I'm working.

4. You don't have the money to see a movie with me? Must be bad business. I bet McD's pays better.
It's called a budget, which is also called being an adult.  It's called my husband's student loans and his car which needs new tie rods.  Much like your parents probably told you when you were a child, money doesn't grow on trees.  It comes from hard work, which I do every day.  Sometimes, that means I have to choose something I need over something I want.  Instead of waiting until the $12 Friday night showing, try asking me about a $5 10 AM matinee on your day off.  And don't forget to talk to me about it in advance!

5. Why does it cost so much to commission you? Drawing just comes naturally anyway, so it doesn't take you a lot of time.
First off, drawing does not come naturally.  Any commercial illustrator will deny the whole misconception of art being a "gift."  I drew in high school so much that teachers would slam my sketchbook shut thinking I wasn't listening to the lecture.  I skipped homework at times to work on anatomy.  I got my first illustration job at 15 and I remember drawing in the middle of the front room floor with tears in my eyes.  "I'm not good enough!  They'll never hire me."  And I got the job, which meant I was drawing every day for 8 hours a day upwards of 40 hours a week during the summer.  More often once I hit college - for illustration.  I have two degrees in art, which took a lot of blood (x-acto knives), sweat (you try drawing outside on a 115F day), and tears (that nagging voice that you're never good enough).  So does it come naturally?  You tell me. Sounds like it took me a lot of time and effort.  And that's why it costs "so much."  You're not just paying for the time it takes me right now, which may or may not be "a lot."  You're paying for my expertise, which took me over a decade to develop.

6. You just draw all day, so work must be an amusement park of fun for you.
This also falls into what you're paying for when you hire me.  I don't "just draw all day."  I have to be a secretary, an art director, the grunt worker, accounting, billing, HR, sales, IT, inventory and even the janitor. So when I spend two hours swapping e-mails with you to make sure I get the details of your commission and put that into your contract, get that signed and file that away, I have to cover that time in your quote.  I have to file the paperwork for my quarterly taxes, review my budget, send an invoice, soothe an upset customer, help another with his Paypal and check my inventory on graphite, then organize my office desk at the end of the day, often all around 6 hours of drawing.  Don't get me wrong - I love my job - but it's not always "fun."  It's often hard work.  Maybe I'm a masochist, but I love that aspect as well.  Doesn't make it any less hard.

7. You're a freelancing artist. Have you drawn anything I've seen? No? That means you're unsuccessful.
My husband and I went on a double date with his coworker and his coworker's new girlfriend.  The first thing she asked me is if I'd drawn anything she's ever seen.  Chances are, as a concept developer and caricaturist, probably not.  "Oh, that's sad."  No, not really.  I work full-time doing what I love.  Business is usually steady and sometimes absolutely monotonous.  Just because I haven't drawn the next big business's new logo doesn't mean that I'm not doing a job I love and making the money I need.  Sustainability and happiness are the definitions of job success to me, and I think I've gotten that pretty well.  Besides, what have you done that I've seen?

8. As a freelancer, you must need more exposure. Tell you what, if you draw this for me for free, I'll pass your name around and you'll get millions of dollars in extra business!
This is probably the most well known misconception out there.  You'd think, after over ten years at this job, people would stop asking if I give out freebies, but it simply never ends.  "My company really wants to hire you as a caricature artist for their next event.  They won't pay, but you can leave a tip jar and pass out all the business cards you want."  You know what that'll get me? A loss of materials and exactly zero contracts.  When you tell them the real cost of hiring you, they want nothing to do with you.  "Why can't you do it for free for me too?" It's like giving one child a cookie when ten others are watching.

9. You're home all day, which means you're a housewife.
This is, hands down, the most sexist thing I've ever been told.  I'm not a radical feminist, but something about this just crawls up my spine and sets my fuse ablaze.  Yes, I keep a good house.  In fact, I keep a great house.  We have two cats and a dog and I'd like to think that you'd barely notice.  You'd be hard-pressed to find grime in my bathtub or dishes in the sink (though seriously, don't look at the laundry room.  No, seriously, don't.).  That being said, that is not what I do all day and certainly not my job title.  I'm also not the only one that cleans.  My husband and I try to share 50/50 of the housework (try being the operative word; sometime's it's more like Aaron: 0, Marietta: 1000).  We also often clean for 30 minutes to an hour every day for upkeep.  That's called adulthood, by the way.  And if my house does get messy, for whatever reason, it's because I'm busy, usually because I'm working.  Shocker.

10. You're home all day, which means you're lazy.
If I had a dime for every time I heard someone call me "unemployed" or any variation there of, I'd be filthy rich.  My mom has been known to stretch the truth of my employment (she used to insist I was an education or graphic design major when I was in school too), and I'm pretty sure my in-laws just flat out think I don't work.  When my mom was in the hospital for a few days after her knee surgery, my dad and I got into a rather large argument. "You could help out more.  You don't really work, anyway."  Not only had I often helped for a good 5-10 hours a day depending on the day, but I was working on top of it.  I've never been explosive with my dad, but I definitely lashed out that time.  It certainly won't be the last, particularly because my family members aren't the only ones that think I'm not drowning in commissions and paperwork.  In fact, the real estate agent for the house we're renting thought he could just schedule a showing whenever because I'm, and I quote, "home all the time anyway."  Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm not busy.  And I'm honestly not always here.  I couldn't argue it out of him any other way than by saying that my husband and I like to both be home for showings.  Not only was it demeaning to me as a woman, but it was demeaning to me as a freelancing illustrator.  And don't even get me started when someone says, "Freelancing now will make it harder for you to find a real job later."

The truth is that freelancing is anything but "lazy."  I'd like to say I pull 8-hour days but my real work time is probably more around 10-12.  Sometimes it runs into weekends if I can't get everything done.  Sometimes I end up spending an extra hour or two on the phone with or e-mailing a client. Sometimes my cat decides to knock over a glass of water into my computer and I'm suddenly my own IT support, ripping off the side of my computer and replacing whatever the heck just fried. I'm filing, writing, typing, budgeting, organizing, e-mailing, listing, graphing, calculating and even Windexing before I get to the drawing part.  Then I'm drawing and doing all those things on top of it.

So the next time you run into someone self-employed, be courteous.  Chances are that they're overworked, over-stressed, over-employed - and yet they absolutely love it.