Life Update Sunday (v. 2.23.14)

This week, my thyroid has been a douchebag.  I've been sleeping upwards of 14-16 hours a night and still feeling the need to crash mid-day. I've started adding exercise back into the equation, but nothing's worked so far.  On Monday, I went over to Sara's for a crafting day only to fall asleep on her couch.  And on Tuesday, I fully intended to go to Coffee Coven (since I needed some feedback on a project), but slept right through it.  I woke up over three hours past when it ended only to find out I completely missed it.  I have some new interesting symptoms I'm sure you'd rather not hear about, so it sounds like I'll be making a doctor's appointment for tomorrow.  Not looking forward to that.

He pretty much always sleeps like this now.

Other than that, I do have some good news!  I've been asked by LEARN Home Education Network to give a 25 minute presentation on my religion to a World Religion class.  I've tentatively selected March 19th, but I haven't heard anything back as of just yet.  I plan on working up some rough plans this weekend and fleshing it out over the week.  I'm particularly thrilled to have the March 19th date because I can run the presentation notes by the Liberty Coffee Coven and get their input.  It would be the night before, so I wouldn't be able to make drastic changes, but it's always helpful.

That's actually why I wanted to go to the Coffee Coven this past Tuesday - so I could get input on things to include.  Now I'm just going to have to wing it.  Not that I'm not used to talking about my religion anyway.

In addition, I've been fleshing out a new Circle with Sierra, Charli and Jessica (with guest member Tony at this point, but it sounds like we'll have a decent sum of guest members as the year floats on).  Not that I haven't enjoyed my previous circles, but I'm anticipating the responsibilities to be much more evenly divided on this one.  Each of the four main members will be taking lead on two rituals each year - including writing, hosting, leading and financing.  We also have membership roles, such as maintaining the Facebook group and events or keeping inventory or even maintaining the ritual book.  All of these things I usually did on my own.  It's such a relief!  I really, truly like the direction that this group is taking and can see this as a long-term thing.

I know I talk about my religion quite often, but it's very important to me.  Particularly in terms of transparency.  I'm never trying to be all in-your-face pagan, but I thoroughly believe that I should be able to speak freely of my beliefs without fear or guilt, particularly on my own corners of the universe (like this blog).  I think it symbolizes a dawn of a new era for pagans when my generation can do that.  Honestly, my coming out of the broom closet some time ago was well received by my friends and family.  Overall, it's been a truly positive experience.

Beyond all of that, not much has happened this week.  I've been plugging away at commissions and still trying to catch up from my cold.  I volunteered twice this week for TARA as usual - we have new kittens that are absolutely adorable!  They're all black and about the age of Apollo, but don't look anything like him in face or body structure so I don't think they're siblings.  That's always been a thought in the back of my head because I personally saw that he had a mother and three siblings, and I will probably always wonder if they all made it out okay.  As it stands, Apollo is safe, happy and healthy.  As are all of our pets, which is definitely an improvement from last week.

And with that, Aaron and I need to finish our taxes and get the apartment clean.  I hope everyone is well and has a fantastic end of February!

2014 Health Goals: Lets Do it Again!

This is maybe one of my most disappointing sections.  I made it so far last year only to bounce back horribly after a terrible autoimmune inflammation that left me laid up and unable to do anything for almost three months.  However, I have to remind myself that what's done is done.  It's in the past.  In order to lose the weight, I'm going to have to move past my failure.

With that being said, let's dive into my 2014 health goals!

Last year, I desperately wanted to relive my running days, but I no longer have a deep seeded need to make that marathon.  If I do, I do.  Fantastic!  More important to me, however, is losing the weight and keeping it off.  So my health goals this year will focus on that.

In 2013, I wanted to lose 30 lbs.  Though I have yet to weigh myself, I can guarantee that I'm back to where I was at the beginning of last year.  I think one of the problems I had was that three pounds a month was so incredibly doable that it took no effort.  Often, I ate on the diet 5/7 days of the week and lost the weight effortlessly.  Sounds like a dream, doesn't it?  Unfortunately, it made it all too easy to gain it back.  "Oh, I've done it before.  I can do it again.  It wasn't like it was hard."  This year, instead of losing three pounds, I'd like to up that to five.  In order to his this goal, I will have to exercise and diet properly for six out of seven days of the week.  Maybe I'll appreciate myself more if it takes more effort.  Five pounds is still more than doable.

At five pounds a month, that will still leave me with two Lose 15 Pounds goals.  I'm good with that.

That will also have me end sometime around late June, giving me six months of maintenance.  However, I know I'm liable to falter here and there.  With that in mind, my third goal should be to Maintain my Weight for Three Months.  Should I successfully complete my weight loss journey by June, this doesn't mean that I should maintain my weight until October then go crazy with holiday foods.  It means that, if I falter and manage to hit my goal weight by September or October, I can still hit my maintenance goal with relative ease.

By weight maintenance, I'd like to place the stipulation of +/- 3 lbs.  That means water weight or a little extra goodies one week won't deter me from still hitting that goal.  My end weight for December 31st should be between 137 and 143 pounds.

Losing weight requires changing the lifestyle I've been on since I started gaining weight in late August.  As with last year, I want to create small, positive goals to lose those five pounds a month as well as begin my maintenance period.  Here's the chart I came up with:

I am aware of the typo in the first row.  It should be 8 glasses of water, not 8 ounces of water.

This chart may be edited once every three months to reflect my weight loss progress and get me remotivated, particularly if I come up with new ways to lose weight.

As with last year, I also want to revamp my wardrobe once the weight is lost.  I've decided to tack on an additional $50 to my wardrobe money to make it seem more appealing.  I'm also going to give pretty sizable boosts for getting under 140 lbs.  Here's the basic chart that will get me that $150 new wardrobe money to blow at a thrift store!

In addition to the final reward of a new wardrobe, I need small rewards along the way to make the weight loss worthwhile.  Once I hit maintenance, I may start rewarding myself for managing my weight if it's necessary.  I'm hoping eventually to do it of my own free will.

(Also, can I just say that I really want to get all of my friends together for the new wardrobe purchase, take multiple videos of thrift store shopping and make a kick-ass video to Thrift Shop by Macklemore.)

Last year, I managed to get my TSH levels for my hypothyroidism more under control, with my most recent test at a little over 7 (your TSH levels should fall somewhere between .3 and 3).  This year, I'd like to hit optimum TSH levels and get my thyroid thing officially behind me.  In order to do that, I feel like Seeing an Endocrinologist is of the utmost importance.  S/he may be able to help me with other hormone and vitamin deficiencies I have, thus getting me closer to better health.  As of right now, my prescription for Levothyroxine runs out late January.  Because winter months in KC are a, for a lack of a better word, bitch to drive in and the endocrinologist I'd like to see is about an hour away, I'm more than willing to go back to my primary for my January test.  That will give me three more months of pills.  This puts seeing an Endocrinologist on my to-do list in March or April.

My final health goal is to begin Managing my Stress.  I have Multiple Autoimmune Syndrome.  Many of my symptoms flare up during times of intense stress (my Scleritis while we were moving, my psoriasis flaring at every single stress point in. My. Life. Ever., etc).  If I want to help my immune issues, I absolutely have to get my stress under control.  My goal is to try one new stress management technique a month.  After asking Facebook and doing some research, here's a monthly table I've created to help me achieve this goal:

So let's take a look at my 2014 health goals on the primary chart:

As with Financial goals, there are no habit goals to add to my monthly goal list template.  That makes throwing together that template pretty easy.  Here it is!

HEALTH - 0% Complete

See an endocrinologist (March/April). – Done | Not Done – 0% complete.

Lose 5 pounds. – 0/5 pounds – 0% complete.

Try one stress management technique for the month – 0/x Days – 0% complete.

Some notes:  None.

Almost half way there!

Next time on The Progressive Planner:

My 2014 Home Goals.

Question for my readers:

What are your 2014 health goals?

My Exercise and Diet Plan

I have a little under 28 days until my birthday party at RenFest.  When I bought my corset, I was 175 and asked them to fit it extremely tightly.  I want to have to relace that thing this year.  That means, I have to get as small as possible by that day.  With some work, I created a healthy, happy 10 pounds in 28 days plan!

Using the Harris Benedict Equation, I have a daily caloric need of 1853.  My BMR is 1544, so I don't want to drop below that.  That gives me a daily deficit naturally of 309 calories.

As far as eating goes, I'm going to stick it hard to my thyroid diet prescribed to me by my doctors.  Over the years I've been hypothyroid, I do eat mostly to the diet but I cheat every now and then.  Sometimes I just want a glass of milk or a nice bowl of watermelon, dang it!  If I were on maintain, those cheats would be just part of me maintaining my lifestyle and still enjoying my food.  However, I'm not there yet.  That means those little cheats are a big no-no.  I need to cleanse my body of all the foods it can't handle.

On top of that, I used a little calculation to determine the amount of water I need to drink every day.  You take your weight, divide it by 2.2 and then divide that by 8.  I came up with a number just over 9, but I rounded up anyway and ended up with a whopping 10 glasses of water every day.

Unfortunately, that's not enough to lose the weight I need to lose.  I also know from experience that diet alone doesn't work for those of us with hypothyroidism.  Even if the calories are right, your metabolism simply adjusts.  So I've got to add in quite a bit of exercise to the equation.

But how much?  If a pound of fat takes 3500 calories to remove and I have ten of them, I'm looking at burning 35000 calories in the next for weeks.  Yeouch!  Breaking that down, that's 1250 calories a day and I only get 309 from food. That leaves a whopping 941 calories in exercise.

Exercise is a tricky thing.  I don't want to hurt myself or stress myself out about it, so the best bet is to break it into easy, doable segments.

Here's the breakdown:

Activity	Calorie Deficit
Diet	309
Morning Daily Exercises	150
Afternoon Exercise	320
Evening Exercise	320
Night Daily Exercises	150

That creates a grand total of 1250 calories a day.  Well, technically, it's 1249 but I assume at one point I'll go at least a calorie over.

For the Morning and Night Daily Exercises, this is my planned routine:

Activity	Number of Reps
Push-ups	10
Jumping Jacks	50
Sit-ups	20
Plank	45 Seconds
Cannons	10
Mountain Climbers	10
Bicycles	20

Of course, the more I do it, the less calories this will burn.  Every Sunday, I will be doing as many as I can and readjusting the numbers from there.

Now, what about the Afternoon and Evening Exercise sets?

For the afternoon, I've broken it down to four cardio and three muscle building exercise videos a week.  A huge thank you to Fitness Blender, and of course, Les Mills Combat and Chalene Johnson's TurboFire.

For the evening, I'll be beginning my 5k training.  I'll be jogging and walking until my heart rate monitor turns the 320 mark.  Maybe even longer!

Speaking of which, my heart rate monitor is going to play a huge part in this.  How do you know how many calories your burning in an exercise?  A nice wireless heart rate monitor with a chest strap makes everything so much easier!

And finally, on top of all of this, getting back on my levothyroxine will certainly help.  I can't even believe that I fell off of it!  My big goal for the first week of October will be seeing an endocrinologist to help me with my final big 10-13 pounds.

For all of the work this seems, it's actually not too much.    I'm assuming my Daily Exercises will take around 20 minutes per session.  The major exercise sessions in the afternoon and evening should be around 45 minutes each.  Between the two, I'm looking at a little over two hours a day.  The Daily Exercises will be done right when I wake up and right before I go to bed - a time where I'd be spending my 20 minutes doing nothing.  So I'm not losing any time there.  The afternoon slot can be done on my lunch break and my evening slot can be completed with Aaron when he gets home from work and the sun has set a bit.

All in all, I readily expect to lose the weight I want to lose with this and correcting the mistakes I made over the past few months.  Even if I miss out on a few exercise days, I should get extremely close to my goal.

With that being said, I need to hop in to my afternoon exercise!

Weight loss success and many updates.

Ugh, seriously. What was I thinking with that haircut back then?

My weight loss adventure: 32 pounds down, 20 to go. I'm well over halfway through my journey! This time last year, I'd lost my first 10 and I just could not see a difference. I'm definitely seeing it today. I feel like the person in the photo to the right isn't even the same as the one on the left! On top of that, my best friend and I went bra shopping just shortly after she took that photo.  I'm still a 38 in the strap, but I could definitely see me going down to the 36 before it's over.  I tried on a 36 in the store and it was just a tiny, tiny bit too tight.  A bigger bonus?  It was a D.  I'm going to be a 36D.  To all the people who teased me about being flat chested in high school: Suck on THAT!

Although I was actually in training bras throughout high school.  Shhhh.  I was a late bloomer. Anyway...

Speaking of my best friend, this is a group photo of myself, my husband Aaron, her boyfriend Eric and my best friend Charli (ironically also the set for one of my "before" pictures).  Charli and I met in middle school and she was quite literally my saving grace.  I was struggling with bullies and she taught me how to deal with them.  I attribute my strong will and stubborn attitude to her.  After high school, she followed her dreams of becoming an animator and went to school up near Chicago.  Once she graduated with her BFA she stayed there.  For years, she'd talked about moving back to KC for a cheaper cost of living but it just never seemed to work out.  This year, she put an expiration date on Chicago.  We moved her and her boyfriend down over the weekend of June 1st.

Both Charli and I have had multiple roommates in the past and we've both had somewhat negative experiences. Both of us are cautiously entering the world of roommatedom.  Aaron and I have a roommate agreement that we all signed.  We also have a chore chart, which is actually working out amazingly well.   It's nice to have another person in the house who can cook, taking the pressure off of Aaron from time to time.  I can't cook for beans and my diet almost exclusively requires me to do so.  Not only that, but Charli's diet is very similar to mine.  It makes things much easier.

Friday was a particularly good day.  We had a fantastic morning, Charli and I went shopping for the better part of the evening, then we all went on a double date to Granite City for the night.  If that's foreshadowing how living together will work out, bring it on!

Other than moving Charli in and losing weight, things have been slow.  Every year, I suffer burnout for about a month and a half and a "career crisis" for about a month, though usually not at the same time.  This year, they both hit and it was a double whammy I'm still trying to get over.  Nothing like feeling overworked and thinking your time as a freelancing artist has expired.  It was a tough blow to my already usually low ego to realize I have very few "useful" skills outside of drawing.  I'm over the career crisis now, but should I ever decide to change careers in the future, I will definitely have to go back to school.  Since I already have a BA, I won't be able to get the financial aid I received previously.  That means loans.  And Aaron's student loans already kill us enough as it is.  Might just be better to be a housewife at that point, lol.

And no, despite my mother-in-law's speculation, I am not currently a housewife.  I do work, and very hard might I add.

... Just not apparently when I'm suffering a burnout.

That being said, I have a few cushions I've been using the past month and a half to get by.  The first is probably the cause of my burnout in the first place - I'm well over my target income for 2013 at this point.  I'd have to fully take off another month to be even on target.  That's why I don't feel nearly as pressured to hop back on if I don't feel up to it.  The second cushion has been caricature gigs.  I market myself as a character designer and caricaturist but, this year, I've been heavily focusing character design.  When I noticed signs of burnout, I started to take more caricature gigs.  Instead of working at my own pace from home over the week, I spend time over the weekend at parties drawing people.  It's a nice change and keeps us from going too broke over the burnout months.  Plus, I'm a pretty rocking party artist if I do say so myself.  Two-and-a-half minutes gets you one of my bad boys.

Don't make a face! I will draw it in there.

Today was an odd day - I had my first hypocoma in months.  Slept all the way until 5 pm, went back to bed around 8 and slept until 1 am.  Even for the three hours I was awake, I was in a fog.  I spent a lot of time slumped in my chair in front of my computer staring off into a distance.  When I did interact, I was unintentionally snippy.  We visited my in-laws to pick up a tent for an upcoming holiday, Midsummer.  While there, I bent over to pick up a box and the tent bag fell on me.  Hurt like the dickens.  Instead of asking what happened or make sure that Aaron was okay, I snapped at him with a "THANKS."  I'm never at my best when my thyroid is being a prick.

Even though I've slept so much today, I think I'm going to go back to bed.  I'd like to get some rest and wake up at a semi-decent time to get things done.

Goodnight folks!

Ugh, hypothyroidism.

Over the past three months, I've been very stagnant on my weight loss.  That's why I decided to take an exercise class this month.  I wanted to catch up.  I thought it was my fault for not losing it.  In the first week, I lost three pounds and I was very excited!

Then I stepped on the scale this week.

Those three pounds are back and the scale reads the same old number I've been seeing for months.  And it's not just my weight.  I measured myself and found that I not only didn't lose any inches anywhere, but I actually gained in some places.  I'm so god damn frustrated.  I've tried all sorts of diet adjustments.  Various exercise levels.  It just isn't coming off. The worst part is that I was warned about this from my primary - that I would hit a weight plateau.  I just thought it'd be closer to my target weight.  And, even worse, my target weight is still 15 pounds more than what I should weigh.  And I'm 26 pounds from my target weight.

Not to sound like a whiny teenager, but it just seems so unfair.  Losing weight is hard enough.  Hypothyroidism takes that difficulty and multiplies it by 100.  I have to fight for every pound I lose - and every pound I don't lose.  I gain for absolutely no reason.  And don't even get me started on motivation.

Even worse, I did some research.  I'm already on a restrictive diet.  It seems like, in order to lose any more weight, I'm going to have to restrict myself even more.  No more high-sugar fruits or dairy.  Absolutely no breads, not even low-cal, low-carb ones.  I'd be limited to certain proteins and certain vegetables.  If I wanted any kind of diversity, I'd have to give up my pescetarian diet.  And, when and if I do lose the weight, I'd never be able to go back or I'd gain it all back.

I understand restricting yourself to a healthy diet, but where does it cross the line?  When is it no longer worth it?  To never eat another slice of bread again?  Or maybe only once a month and then have to bust rear to get it off?

I'm starting to wonder if I should give up my weight goals for this year.  But it was one of my big three.  I seriously feel like curling up in a ball and crying.  What's the point in having goals when I can't even meet them?

Hypothyroid Medication Being Upped

Before I was diagnosed as hypothyroid, I thought I just had signs of "getting older." I was tired more often and couldn't pull all-nighters for tests and work like I used to.  I'd always been cold sensitive.  In fact, the only reason I hate taking showers is because I know I'm going to lock up when I step out from the warm water.  I've always had my husband walk my dog in the winter because the freezing temps are just unbearable.  I've also always had dry skin, mostly because I have psoriasis.  I didn't give any of those much thought.

The first thing I noticed was weigh gain.  Of course, I'd barely moved out of my parents' house two years prior and it was only natural, I thought.  What I didn't realize, since I'd never been very involved in checking on my weight, was that I'd ballooned from 145ish up to 190ish in a little under two years.  How terrifying.

The second thing I noticed was my hair.  In fact, I can pinpoint the very moment I began to actually suspect there was something wrong.  I was reviewing pictures from our trip to Chicago in late 2009 when I pointed a picture out to my husband.  "Does that look like I'm going bald?"

"Nah, it's just the lighting."
"But... you can see inches into my hairline."
"Marietta, you're beautiful," he said, and turned back to his game.

I officially resolved at that moment to get bangs.  I still look at this picture in amazement that I didn't do something right then and there.  But of course, I couldn't.  When my husband and I decided we wanted to get married, we reviewed both of our jobs.  He was working a steady job at good pay with health insurance availability.  We figured out that we could put me on the health insurance in May, which is partially why, when he proposed in January of 2008, I wanted to get married by May.  His parents put a stop to that.

"Are you pregnant?"
"No."
"Other people will think you're pregnant."

Despite my argument, I felt practically backed in a corner to change the date.  It ended up being September 20th.  And then my husband got laid off the following February.  So no health insurance for me.

As a freelancer, there aren't a lot of options for me in the health insurance range.  Most insurances for individual artists out there are one word short of frightening.  I've always been fairly reliant on my husband to find health insurance.  Unfortunately, his next job wasn't even full time.  And then, when his job did get full time, they only offered a single plan or a family plan - no couples plan.  We couldn't afford the family plan.  He would then be laid off again.  We'd find him a night-shift job with no benefits.  And then he found his recent job, but again, we simply couldn't afford the $400 a month insurance.  Aaron's always been able to get health insurance since his jobs usually cover him for a minimal fee - this one for $5 - but when it comes to adding me, it's a whole different ballgame.

And the longer I went without health insurance, the worse the symptoms got.  My senior year of college in 2010-2011 was probably the hardest year when it came to the symptoms I experienced.  All I wanted to do was sleep and I would always be exceedingly frustrated that I couldn't.  When I needed to stay up late to study, I'd fall asleep on my study material and wake up 12 hours later with no progress made.  I lost more hair.  I got sick often.  I was depressed.  My jaw began to lock up often and I'd lose my voice.  Not to mention the nagging depression I always felt and my sudden inability to remember even the smallest of things.

Honestly, I was glad that I'd switched from a standard 9-5 (... 3-12? ... sometimes 12 -10?  12-12?  God I was all over the place).  I started freelancing full-time in February of 2011.  If I hadn't, I don't know if I could have maintained a standard job.  Sometimes I'd sleep 36-48 hours without even noticing it.  No amount of alarms or my husband shaking me would wake me up.  I was so tired when I was awake and I couldn't keep track of anything.  I still use the system I used when I was originally taking commissions during this period just in case.  That system involved writing commissioning information down in multiple places, including having e-mail records, using Microsoft Access, Sticky Notes, a marker board calendar and a planner, plus a waiting list with detailed instructions in Word.  Sometimes I'd even compile commission information into large images with all the information written on it in ease.  If I somehow missed a detail, it wasn't because I was having problems remembering; it's because the commissioner legitimately did not give it to me.  Still, I'm surprised I functioned.

Finally, my parents gifted me health insurance for a single year and the first thing I did was got my blood tested to try to figure out why I felt so bad.

Normal TSH levels are (arguably) 0.5-5.  Levels lower than that mean your thyroid is overactive, causing hyperthyroidism while levels higher indicate hypothyroidism.  My initial test came back at a whopping 22.

Of course I got on the medication.  I ended up with hives, a common problem in hypothyroids, and was sent to a derm.  I battled that for most of the duration of the insurance.  When it ran out, I'd just barely been leveled out.  I tried to continue the meds, but then 2012 happened.  It was awful and I ended up discontinuing the meds for a few months towards the end.

But I held on to a few bottles.  I knew I'd need to get tested again and that levothyroxine was a lifelong medication for me.  I began taking the bottles again a couple months ago and waited until the last possible minute to get my blood work done.

My levels came back at 30 despite being back on the meds for few months.  Even though I came off of the medication for a few months, there's really no reason for my TSH levels to be worse than when I was first tested.  My doctor urged me to see an endocrinologist but I'm not on insurance and can't afford it.  I can't even really afford to go in and talk with my doctor to find out more about what's going on, if they even know any more.

What I do know is that they're upping my medication an extra 25 mcg and want me to come back in for a lab and a doctor's appointment in three months.  That's fine; I'll have to come in around then anyway for women stuff.

One of the biggest points of this whole story is the havoc that hypothyroidism has wrecked on my life.  While it's a common disease and there are many people out there who don't even know they have it, it became a very prominent problem in my life that could have left me jobless and without a degree had things not aligned when they did.  I simply got lucky.  And now that I'm back on top of it, I'm finding out that the reason I struggled through 2012 despite being on medication for the majority of it was because my thyroid was still doing me a disservice.  Honestly, that might account for the three months of depression I had between March and May last year.

2012 was bad, but maybe it wasn't as bad as I felt it was.  Maybe my thyroid was just narrowing my field of view.

PS: Anyone out there with hypothyroidism?  Please share your stories in the comment section, particularly if your TSH levels continued to rise despite being on medication.  Did you see an endo?  What happened?

Adventures in Blood Work Land

Today was the big day - I finally got my lab work done for my hypothyroidism.

Those that know me know exactly why this was a momentous occasion, but for those that don't, let me elaborate: I'm afraid of needles.  Not in the "Oh god, I don't want to do this but I have to" sort of way, but more like "We need two more nurses to strap down the patient and maybe a sedative."  I nearly always throw up, and I pass out a good half of the time.  I then spend the rest of the day in cold sweats and nausea. It's not fun and it definitely doesn't feel worth it at the time.

For the longest time, I actually thought there was something wrong with me; that my body actually rejected having my blood drawn and that's what caused all the fuss.  Then my cat needed blood work.  I held on to his fluffy rear to calm him and looked away, but the vet struggled to find a vein.  Five minutes later, I had to leave my poor cat with strangers to toss my lunch in the nearest toilet.

So yeah, fear.  Definitely fear.

And it's really not specifically needles.  I'm also afraid of bee stings, bug bites, splinters and glass shards.  Anything little that gets in your skin is all filed under the same fear.  The only difference is that you don't wake up in the morning saying, "For the betterment of my health, I think I'll schedule a wood chip in my foot."

The anticipation of getting a shot or having my blood drawn makes it infinitely worse.

I'm also not a very nice person when I'm afraid.  Where most people get nervous or recluse, I'm quite the opposite: I'm generally what's referred to as a heinous bitch.  So, if you can imagine the fear I felt going into the doctor's office today, you can also picture the hell that had just been unleashed upon the staff.

If that wasn't enough, someone wasn't listening when they made my lab appointment.  Or, at least, they didn't say a word to me in the process.  Having no health insurance, I have to pay everything out of pocket.  That means I budgeted exactly what I thought I signed myself up for: my thyroid lab work.  Turns out, my doctor's office had something different in mind.  Because I hadn't been to the office in some time, they wanted me to see my doctor first.  That's an extra $70 and seemed really unnecessary since all he'd tell me is, "Oh hey, you need your lab done.  Go do that."  It didn't help that this wasn't something I ever had to do before.  In addition, they were flat refusing to refill my levothyroxine if I didn't.

If I wasn't a bitch when I walked through the doors, I definitely was one now.

"You mean to tell me that you're going to spring a $70 doctor's appointment on me a second before my lab and then refuse the medication I need if I don't?"  The receptionist I was working with was a timid little thing and scampered off into the back to talk with my doctor.  The other receptionist, however, was not timid at all, and we began to butt heads.  "Well, when could you pay?" "Honestly? I don't know.  I. Don't. Know.  So get it figured out."  When I turned my back, I could literally feel her eyes roll.

Well, I know who I'm saving my projectile vomit for.

After 30 minutes of the timid receptionist being the messenger between me and my doctor's nurse, we finally got it sorted that my prescription would be refilled by just the lab and, if my levels were off, I'd have to come back in three months from now for a lab.  That made sense and aligned to how it had always worked.  Why the pain at the front desk?

I was about to find out.

The lab tech called me in very shortly after everything was sorted.  She was very nice and accommodating for once, but I fully believe someone tipped her off about the "psycho-bitch" in the waiting room.  That's cool.  I like being catered to when shit goes wrong and my stomach's already in knots.

She gently gets me settled in one of the smaller rooms and picks out my right arm.  As an illustrator, I'm a little riled about that, but as someone who's scared to death of what's about to happen and is already tired of fighting, I accept my fate.  I squeeze my husband's hand (oh yeah, he was there too) and begin babbling about how he has no idea how much I need his hand right now.  She sticks me and I clamp my eyes shut, forcing images of my dog to flash in front of my face.  And then she interrupts my thoughts.

"So they have you down for [insert seven different tests here that are not my thyroid check, potentially more but I cut her off]."
"Um, no no no no no.  No.  I'm only here for my thyroid lab.  I'm pretty sure I said that very clearly when I made the appointment."
"That's odd.  Did you see a doctor before you got in here?"
"No. I don't need to because I'm only here for my thyroid lab?  I seriously can't afford all of those tests."

At this point, I've totally forgotten about the needle in my arm.  My brain is too busy running numbers to care, since the total for those tests would be - and get this - $158.  That's $122 more than I anticipated walking in.

I'm also starting to draw connections between the mess at the front desk and this new information.  The reason why they wanted me to see a doctor before getting my lab is because they were testing me for practically everything.  God, they must have thought I was some kind of medical mystery.  If the lab order would have been just for my thyroid test, the fight at the front desk would have never happened.

But now I had a new fight: getting the lab order changed so that I wasn't killing my budget with new expenses for tests I don't need.

The lab tech was very nice and said she'd leave a note for the nurse of my primary, but she also wanted me to give them a call as well.  And that's certainly the first thing I did when I got home.  Of course, I just got a voice mail but, honestly, I prefer that.  Where I tend to stutter and stall on phone calls, I can be much more specific on voice mails.  I was also very repetitive, since apparently no one listens, stating over and over again that I don't have insurance and that I cannot afford $122 in tests that I didn't ask for.

Shortly thereafter, I fell asleep on the couch.  It was a busy day, and very stressful.   I woke up several hours later to this voice mail from the nurse:

"Although your insurance would cover the additional tests, we have cancelled everything but the thyroid test."

... I guess they listened to the important part.

Bah.

My husband called my doctor's office on Friday because I wasn't available thanks to my mom's physical therapy and work.  He was directed to the nurse's office where he got a voice mail and left a message about the cost of my thyroid tests.  No call back.  I called this morning and got the same runaround. Left a voice mail and never got called back.

The billing department was able to tell me that it would cost $15-$35 for them to draw my blood, but that doesn't include the actual lab.  Since they use an outside lab, I would have to pay that lab for them to analyse my blood.  God knows how much that'll be.  They didn't know and said a nurse would be more apt to answer that.  If only one would answer the damn phone.  I don't like things being in a state of flux.

I also don't want to have to search for a different doctor.  I don't want to end up with one that screws me over.  The last time I changed doctors, she changed all my medication.  I ended up having to go back to my regular doctor to get switched back to everything I was previously on.  It took three months for me to feel like myself again.

I'm content to stay at the same doc, but his nurses are awful.  Not to mention the lady who does blood work is, for lack of a better word, a bitch.  Every time I tell her I need to lay down to have my blood drawn, she gets frustrated with me. The one time I didn't lay down, I told her I felt nauseous and she said, "Oh, everyone feels nauseous after having blood drawn."  That was less than a minute before I defiled an office trashcan with a ball of vomit.  I don't handle getting my blood drawn very well and I wish she'd respect that a little more; instead she acts like I'm just trying to make her job harder.

On the bright side, said office trash can didn't have a trash bag.  I hope she enjoyed scrubbing my puke out.

Because of what blood work does to me, I'll have to have Aaron take a half-day so he can come with me.  I can't drive after having my blood drawn and will probably be clammy and nauseous afterward.  One time, I passed out and it took about fifteen minutes for me to come to.  Clearly, I'm not best suited to operate a vehicle when done.  I'll probably also need him to watch me for an hour before going back to work to make sure I don't pass out or violate another trash can.

I wish I handled blood work better.  Nothing like paying hundreds of dollars for them to do something to you that makes you nauseous and/or faint.  It's like my body completely rejects every idea of my blood coming out through a needle.

This whole post is gross.

Hypocoma

Sleep is my mortal enemy.  It regularly screws me over.

Over the past two weeks, I've slowly turned work into a graveyard shift.  Get up at 5 PM, go to bed at 9 AM.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  What a mess!  Sometimes I feel absolutely incapable of normal human functioning.  So I decided to fix that on Friday.  I had to get up relatively early and got about six hours of sleep.  I decided to forgo work, pushing it back to today, in order to get back on a day schedule.  I went to bed around 11 PM and woke up around 9 AM today.  Perfect!  Now to work.

This is where my hypothyroidism laughs maniacally, saying "That's what you think."

I should have known the minute I got up that something was wrong.  I slept for ten hours straight without budging after going to bed early.  It should have been a huge warning sign.  But I happily ignored it for as long as I could - which was about an hour.

Then it hit me like a pound of bricks.  I was not only tired - I was absolutely exhausted.  Yawning with my eyes watering, cold and shivering, and my eyelids would not stay open.  I don't even remember going back to bed.

Then I woke up at around 8 PM.  A whopping 10 more hours later.

This is the side of my hypothyroidism that I absolutely abhor with all my being.  Despite being on good medication, taking my Omega-3's, my vitamins and my supplements, nothing makes it go away.  There's that day, usually once a month, where I simply sleep forever without meaning to.  I call it a hypocoma.

This was a mild hypocoma at 20 hours, unless I make it to 9 PM and can't keep my eyes open again.  Then it'll be relatively normal.  Most of my hypocomas will last around 24 hours on top of a normal 8-hour sleep.  Just ask my best friend.

Last year, I decided to take a break from the hell of 2012 to visit her about 500 miles away.  She was desperate for a new entertainment system, so we went to IKEA for one.  We woke up fairly early and it only took us a few hours.

The minute we got home, something was wrong.  I was tired and cold; I could feel it coming on.  I fell asleep on the couch watching TV within 30 minutes of making it back in.  Not only did I fall sleep sitting up, but I was slouched over to the side with my arms and head on the armrest.  It was not comfortable and no normal human being should be able to fall asleep that way, but I did.

I woke up briefly for my friend's curry, then fell back asleep - almost with the bowl in hand if someone wouldn't have woken me to put it away!  They then pulled apart the entertainment system, vacuumed in front of me, put the new entertainment system together complete with knocking, put both my dog and her dog out for a bathroom break and went to the store.  I didn't wake up for any of it.  I slept through the night and woke up the next afternoon going "Holy hell, what happened?"

I slept for 24 hours on top of normal sleep slouched over and  through all sorts of noise without budging.

I haven't found a solution to this problem.  When I had my one year of insurance, I should have gone to an endocrinologist.  Unfortunately, with no insurance, that won't be happening.  I've tried all sorts of diets, supplements and folk remedies trying to fix this issue with no luck.  I'm doomed to waste one day a month sleeping my life away at this point, and it's very frustrating.

That being said, my eyes are starting to weigh.  At this point, I've lost the day anyway, so I might as well surrender to the hypocoma and finish off my sleep.  I suppose I'll work tomorrow with no weekend this round.  Not very fair, body.  Not very fair.