Tuesday, March 18, 2014
I Don't.
I don't regret fighting. It means that I felt I was something worth fighting for. I don't regret apologizing. It means that I can recognize my faults. And I don't regret walking away. It means I can forgive myself and others without losing my self-worth. I wash my hands of all of it.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Life Update Sunday, er, Thursday (v 3.13.14)
It has been forever since I've updated! At least, outside the realm of health, anyway. I have a ton of pictures of the pets to share, including a video, and some life updates.
However, before we get to that, I do want to touch on my health for just a moment. I did get my ultrasound of my gallbladder back and it came out normal. Sounds like nothing looks enlarged or inflamed, and I don't have any stones. My blood work also came out normal. Clear tests are a great relief, but they also feel like a smack in the face - so what the heck is wrong? My EGD and colonoscopy appointment for the 26th still stands. I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but on the bright side, I'll be really well cleaned out.
The first week in March was probably the worst part of whatever's going on with me. I was absolutely exhausted all the time. Dehydration and blood loss were giving me headaches, nausea and some crazy comas.
During that time, I temporarily resigned from my volunteer jobs. I'm still on for TARA as an emergency volunteer. I did sign up for ESFOA's adoption event on the 1st despite feeling poor, but had to cancel when I got a last minute gig. I got the e-mail for this week's volunteer date, but I'm not going to sign up for it. I think I need a few weeks off from volunteering so I can recuperate.
Tuesday of last week marked things getting a bit better. I finally felt good enough to call for an eye exam so I could get contacts. This would be my first pair of new contacts since my 2013 autoimmune scleritis incident. Not only were they able to get me in same day, but I was able to get an all-clear from another eye doctor on my scleritis and walk out with new contacts! I swung back by our complex, picked up Charli and we celebrated with some Headrush coffee. One health problem conquered. Just a few more to go!
Artie got his groom on a few weeks ago and he feels so much better! We booked him to get groomed when the weather warmed up, then we were suddenly hit with a last-minute cold front. Poor little guy. Left him cold. I'm glad he knows how to curl up into blankets on his own.
We also had a freak day where it was 70 in the afternoon, and ended in freezing rain. Apparently, Apollo had never experienced rain hitting the sliding glass door. Hilarity ensued.
I am feeling better today, though it likely comes from sleeping for 24 hours straight. I only got up for dinner around 6 pm, because bacon, but I quickly went right back to bed afterward. I officially woke up at 11pm last night and have been on an impressive roll ever since. I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom, walked the dog two miles, and took my LEARN lecture on paganism and Wicca from 10% to 80% complete.
Speaking of which, that's still happening on the 19th. It's a closed lecture, but I'll let you all know how it goes!
I even found time to sit outside and watch the sun rise this morning. Of course, not without an audience...
Next week is going to be hectic! Really, everything starting Saturday is going to be crazy. Saturday is the Liithi Lushede Coven public Ostara ritual, Sunday's the Pagan Garage Sale at Aquarius, I'm covering for a volunteer on Monday, Coffee Coven Tuesday night, my LEARN lecture on Wednesday morning, then my new Circle's Ostara ritual on Thursday. There's not a single day next week that I have any down time once you factor in work.
 |
| This is his "Take me outside, pleeeaaassseee?" face. |
 |
| This is "Take me outside, damn you" face. |
And with that, I think I need to get back to finishing off my LEARN lecture and working on commissions.
Though I think I might make some bacon first. Mmm, bacon.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Health update.
On my most recent life update, I mentioned I was having some health issues. I intentionally left them vague at the time, particularly since many of the issues aren't publicly acceptable to discuss anyway. I saw my doctor on that next Monday, February 24th, and was referred to a GI specialist. I saw him on the following Monday, March 3rd. He ordered further testing, including blood work, an ultrasound of my gallbladder and abdomen, and an EGD and colonoscopy. I had my blood work and ultrasound on Friday and anticipate at least some answers within the next few days. My EGD and colonoscopy is scheduled for the 26th.
Seeing a GI attests to at least some of my "unspeakable" symptoms, which includes inappropriate blood and color if you get my drift. I'm also having severe pain in my upper abdomen starting at the center and spanning out equally on both sides, nearly under my rib cage. It happens every few weeks or so and lasts about 5-8 hours, coming in 1 to 1.5 hour waves and forcing me to throw up. This is something I've been complaining about since November, but thought it was due to my increased consumption of "bad foods," like gluten and sugar. However, the episodes didn't subside once I was back on the diet. In fact, even when I was on the diet and exercising regular, I gained weight. On top of it all, I've been severely fatigued despite having level thyroid results. Likely, blood loss and improper digestion is to blame.
My GI doc suggested a plethora of potential diagnoses. One was gallstones or gallbladder inflammation. Unfortunately, my symptoms suggest either something larger than that or more than one diagnosis. He thinks that, in addition to gallstones or gallbladder inflammation, I had a polyp rupture. However, without the colonoscopy and EGD, he can't be certain. He is concerned about colon cancer given my symptoms and my family history, but hopes that my age is a helping factor. Other potential diagnoses include diverticulitis and Crohn's with my autoimmune disorders. He did suggest I consider immunosuppressants for my MAS, but I've been REALLY trying to avoid those since they can up your chances for getting sick and developing other issues, including cancer.
Honestly, with everything going on, I've pretty much been MIA since mid-February. I get up, work and go to bed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's been the easiest way to manage my pain and energy levels. Because I took off a week in February from the flu, I really can't afford to take off any more time or I would do it.
For a couple weeks there, I just gave in to my illness. I think I mentally needed to for a while. Even with MAS, I don't typically consider myself a sick person despite fighting my body on a daily basis. I feel like I complete an impressive amount of tasks given my situation. But adding these symptoms on top of my daily battles with my chronic condition was too much.
I've been told by a couple of well-intentioned but ultimately misguided people that I'm not fighting hard enough. That I took the potential diagnoses and the tests too hard. That I should have just picked myself up and kept going. Easier said than done. On any given day, without my new potential issues, I wake up tired, cold, foggy and aching. I have a headache and my nose is stuffed from allergies, giving me a migraine, and I have to take a few puffs of my inhaler for my asthma. I have sores all over from psoriasis and I'm bloated. MAS does all of this to you, and more. But I get myself up at 6 AM, work out, eat well, run my own business (which involves being the artist, CEO, secretary, sales, billing, marking and customer service department all in one for often around 10 hours a day), volunteer, clean my home, greet my husband, take care of four rescue pets, visit friends, participate in my religion, exercise again in the evening and go to bed. That's a standard day in my life. given that it's just my autoimmune disorders that are flaring. I live through the pain and I rarely complain. For that, I'll give myself one huge pat on the back.
But add crippling pain that leaves me writhing on the floor of the bathroom for a full day, forcing me to miss work and, subsequently, not be paid. Add significant blood loss on a daily basis. Add being even more exhausted than usual, to the point that moving my hand to draw might as well be the same as trying to push down my apartment building by myself. And hearing that damn C word again. I heard it last year when my immune system attacked my eyes. I heard it earlier this year in reference to a new mole on my stomach, of which I've still not had time to schedule a derm appointment for in between all of this. And now I'm hearing it in reference to my stomach.
I think there comes a point where you just have to shut down for a while to recoup. So yes, for a while, I was Miss Negative Nancy. I would curl up in bed every chance I got and I stopped going out.
It gave me some time to figure things out. To settle with the idea that I may be having surgery for the first time ever, and will be sedated at the end of the month for the first time ever. To build up some missing energy that's being sucked away from me by two, or maybe even three, totally different issues.
It gave me a moment to get my shit together.
So I sat down today and finished commissions, unfortunately two days past schedule thanks to my passing out after my blood work and ultrasound on Friday. And I scheduled my next week. I bought food for the diet. Just because I'm not seeing weight loss doesn't give me permission to eat junk. It's not going to help my current symptoms anyway.
This is why I've been absent the past few weeks, and why my goals didn't really budge last month. I don't know how far I'll get this month. I don't really care. The fact that I'm going forward at all is impressive, I think. And even if I just stood still, it's whatever I have to do to get through this.
So there's my health update.
Seeing a GI attests to at least some of my "unspeakable" symptoms, which includes inappropriate blood and color if you get my drift. I'm also having severe pain in my upper abdomen starting at the center and spanning out equally on both sides, nearly under my rib cage. It happens every few weeks or so and lasts about 5-8 hours, coming in 1 to 1.5 hour waves and forcing me to throw up. This is something I've been complaining about since November, but thought it was due to my increased consumption of "bad foods," like gluten and sugar. However, the episodes didn't subside once I was back on the diet. In fact, even when I was on the diet and exercising regular, I gained weight. On top of it all, I've been severely fatigued despite having level thyroid results. Likely, blood loss and improper digestion is to blame.
My GI doc suggested a plethora of potential diagnoses. One was gallstones or gallbladder inflammation. Unfortunately, my symptoms suggest either something larger than that or more than one diagnosis. He thinks that, in addition to gallstones or gallbladder inflammation, I had a polyp rupture. However, without the colonoscopy and EGD, he can't be certain. He is concerned about colon cancer given my symptoms and my family history, but hopes that my age is a helping factor. Other potential diagnoses include diverticulitis and Crohn's with my autoimmune disorders. He did suggest I consider immunosuppressants for my MAS, but I've been REALLY trying to avoid those since they can up your chances for getting sick and developing other issues, including cancer.
Honestly, with everything going on, I've pretty much been MIA since mid-February. I get up, work and go to bed. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's been the easiest way to manage my pain and energy levels. Because I took off a week in February from the flu, I really can't afford to take off any more time or I would do it.
For a couple weeks there, I just gave in to my illness. I think I mentally needed to for a while. Even with MAS, I don't typically consider myself a sick person despite fighting my body on a daily basis. I feel like I complete an impressive amount of tasks given my situation. But adding these symptoms on top of my daily battles with my chronic condition was too much.
I've been told by a couple of well-intentioned but ultimately misguided people that I'm not fighting hard enough. That I took the potential diagnoses and the tests too hard. That I should have just picked myself up and kept going. Easier said than done. On any given day, without my new potential issues, I wake up tired, cold, foggy and aching. I have a headache and my nose is stuffed from allergies, giving me a migraine, and I have to take a few puffs of my inhaler for my asthma. I have sores all over from psoriasis and I'm bloated. MAS does all of this to you, and more. But I get myself up at 6 AM, work out, eat well, run my own business (which involves being the artist, CEO, secretary, sales, billing, marking and customer service department all in one for often around 10 hours a day), volunteer, clean my home, greet my husband, take care of four rescue pets, visit friends, participate in my religion, exercise again in the evening and go to bed. That's a standard day in my life. given that it's just my autoimmune disorders that are flaring. I live through the pain and I rarely complain. For that, I'll give myself one huge pat on the back.
But add crippling pain that leaves me writhing on the floor of the bathroom for a full day, forcing me to miss work and, subsequently, not be paid. Add significant blood loss on a daily basis. Add being even more exhausted than usual, to the point that moving my hand to draw might as well be the same as trying to push down my apartment building by myself. And hearing that damn C word again. I heard it last year when my immune system attacked my eyes. I heard it earlier this year in reference to a new mole on my stomach, of which I've still not had time to schedule a derm appointment for in between all of this. And now I'm hearing it in reference to my stomach.
I think there comes a point where you just have to shut down for a while to recoup. So yes, for a while, I was Miss Negative Nancy. I would curl up in bed every chance I got and I stopped going out.
It gave me some time to figure things out. To settle with the idea that I may be having surgery for the first time ever, and will be sedated at the end of the month for the first time ever. To build up some missing energy that's being sucked away from me by two, or maybe even three, totally different issues.
It gave me a moment to get my shit together.
So I sat down today and finished commissions, unfortunately two days past schedule thanks to my passing out after my blood work and ultrasound on Friday. And I scheduled my next week. I bought food for the diet. Just because I'm not seeing weight loss doesn't give me permission to eat junk. It's not going to help my current symptoms anyway.
This is why I've been absent the past few weeks, and why my goals didn't really budge last month. I don't know how far I'll get this month. I don't really care. The fact that I'm going forward at all is impressive, I think. And even if I just stood still, it's whatever I have to do to get through this.
So there's my health update.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)