There it is staring me right in the face. My non-success. Even though I'm trying to keep my chin up and stay positive, it's pretty hard right now.
Before I dive into my pity-party, which I desperately need, I want to go over some practical reasons why my weight is the way it is.
1. I've been on short-term steroids for about a week.
Here's some facts about steroids: They make you hungry as hell and increase your water retention. Even more, steroids like the one I'm using have been known to cause and aggravate hypothyroidism. I'm on the steroids to help with my overwhelming allergy and asthma problems, but I come off of them in three days. Unfortunately, to make matters worse, the side effects can stick around for up to three weeks after your dose. So, you know, there's that.
2. We had a friend in from out of town and ate out. A lot.
Now I can't blame him. He didn't initiate any of the fast food runs - to be fair, he even attempted to say no to one of them but I can't cook and didn't want to leave him hungry. What it came down to is, for the better part, it was two against one and I'm the odd person out. One round even led to some overnight food poisoning and that led me to skip a pill of my levothyroxine. I'm not taking anything when I'm hovering over a toilet. So there's also that.
So now that I've gotten that out of the way, I still want my damn pity party.
Last year, when I lost weight, I became trapped in the 160's. Seeing 167 over and over on the scale when I had followed a diet and exercise routine for three weeks was devastating. That's why I gave up. I feel like I am forever stuck. And, while I followed the diet routine every day like clockwork then, that certainly doesn't happen now. I feel like I put a lot of effort into losing weight only to ruin it in a few days every time.
It doesn't help that I have people shoving fatty food in my face everywhere I go. My mom brought over chocolate covered marshmallows on Saturday and my friend Mike brought over two chocolate bunnies on Easter. I even had an extended argument with Mike about why we can't do weekly sushi anymore. My metabolism isn't as fast as everyone else's. I can't constantly eat these things and stay thin. Hell, if I even glance in their general direction, my thighs swell. I wish people would understand that they're sabotaging me and I don't have the self-control to say no.
And work. Ugh, work. You know what sucks about being self-employed? Everything you make is dependent on how hard you work. Last year, we failed because we didn't have sufficient funds for all the catastrophes. I don't want that to happen again and that results in me routinely overbooking myself. Overbooking myself leads to me running dangerously close to deadlines. When deadlines get tight, I turn to McDonald's or pizza and push myself through. And it works. I wish it didn't, but it does. And that definitely happened this round. I wish fatty foods didn't motivate me like they do.
To make matters worse, the exercise nights I used to have? Gone. The girls just got too busy and we never really exercise anymore. There is one girl that attempts to make it out but she cancels often. And that just leaves me in a defunct state. "Well, no one's coming and I don't really have the time anyway, so I'll just skip it." I need the accountability and I'm really lacking it right now.
I guess I'm just tired of being the only person in my life that cares about the weight I gained from my hypothyroidism. I'm tired of being the only person trying to change everything. I want to be positive. That was the point of this blog - taking something so terrible as 2012 and creating something positive out of the ashes. But it sucks when you're the only one with the motivation, the only one that cares and the only one struggling to change.
I just feel really alone right now. And a bit like a failure.
And the worst part? I have no one to blame but myself. I need to learn some self-control. The word no is dangerously lacking from my vocabulary. I need to stop getting angry that my husband doesn't care about losing weight or that my friends are too busy. Even if it's just me alone in my basement, I need to work out. I need some god damn motivation to do this stuff on my own.
And there's my self-pity rant. That is all.
I totally get it. Last year I was stuck at 68.6kg exactly for almost half a year. I got to a point where I would constantly try to cut even more calories to get beyond it (and I weighed 66.8kg for one day before it got up to 68.6kg again). At some point in September I realized how I was messing myself up and took a break from all the dieting and stuff. Surely, I have gained back more than 10kg, putting me almost where I started (83.6kg - the .6 seems to be my nemesis ^^ ). But
ReplyDeletea) I have decided I am never ever going to "diet" again, and
b) if I do not lose weight by eating healthy and adding moderate amounts of exercise, I will be content, because at least I am doing my best to remain healthy.
I suffer from hypothyroidism as well, but it is rather well-controlled, and I have a great physician with whom I can discuss things such as changes in medication and side effects.
As a final remark, if you want to eat healthy and don't have much time to cook, I strongly recommend
thestonesoup.com
and the blogger's cookbook "5 ingredients, 10 minutes".
The problem, as I mentioned above, is that I'm not eating as healthy as I should. A lot of it comes from other people shoving the wrong kinds of food in my face and my total lack of self control. Last night, the girls came over and put a chocolate cupcake in my face. I was able to say no to that, but I couldn't say no to the M&M party pack they had. And that's typically how it always goes. I'm the thinnest person I know aside from maybe one or two of my outlying friends, but I'm still overweight. And really, it's my fault. I've got to learn how to say no, but I love sweets so much. :/
DeleteI definitely appreciate the recommendations! I'll check them out. I haven't really had a successful meal with anything but a crock pot, but that takes so long that, if I don't plan to make dinner at 9AM, I'm not making dinner, lol.
Ugh, I know those people! Many of us only know how to show love and appreciation by feeding people. (It's especially bad at work, with mostly colelagues of Arab descent - today only I collected one piece of nougat, two chocolates, a chocolate bar and some really tasty sweet baked goods (all put into our emergency stash, which is behind me where I don't see them) - and then there are the colleagues who constantly put food in the kitchen and urge us to partake...) I am guilty of that myself, but I try to make the treats (mostly baked goods) healthier... or find other ways to show appreciation (a hug for a friend, a flower for the BF, a book for my mother).
DeleteIf you know so many heavy people, maybe you could enlist them and start a "healthy snack challenge" or something? There are many great things out there - either stuff to buy or quick recipes to try. I have got a few friends like those myself... even if we are all trying to live healthier, the moment we are together we break out the chocolates, crisps and Martinis. ^^ Working on that one as well.
(By the way, it is not your fault alone. Or would it be your fault if someone pinched oyu over and over again although you had asked them not to?)
Haha, you make a good point. The girls are also the exercise group I would post about earlier in the year. We actually would meet once or twice a week every week since May of 2012, but it stopped by February of this year. Everyone just got too busy and we couldn't match schedules. I think they're reverting back to old habits. I'm really trying not to myself, but it's so difficult! Heck, just last night, everyone invited me to Perkins and I went. I shouldn't have, or I should have not ordered anything, but that's not how it happened.
DeleteOn the bright side, working from home means I don't have to deal with office food! I don't know how anyone can avoid those temptations. The one year I worked in an office, I swear I gained 20 pounds just from the sweets in everyone's desks. I definitely applaud you for having any will - I had absolutely none lol.