Finally, here we are. After a week of non-stop posts, I can officially say that this is the last for my Wheel of Life. Today, I'm chatting about my Personal goals. Personal goals can mean a variety of things, but what does it mean to me? Aren't all goals, on some level, personal?
I want to take a moment to discuss 2012. Remember the first post I made about how disastrous last year was? Remember that I stated I went through three months of depression? It seemed so nonchalant in that post to just fly over the word depression, but the truth is in the nightmare I experienced after everything went to pieces.
In late March, a lot of those horrible events from last year had already occurred. January was the setting for probably the most terrible month of my life - the month I went to two funerals, the month we almost lost our dog to a medication allergy, the month some kid spun out in our parking lot and nearly totaled our car with little to no insurance. We'd suffered a huge dent in our savings, so my husband and I were already looking to move out of our nice but somewhat expensive apartment. Despite having a roommate, we were still living penny to penny and I was getting frustrated with our overall housing situation. In fact, I was compiling a list of apartments I had called and was still interested in the day my husband came home with devastating news: he was now unemployed.
It shook my world. There was no reason to keep looking at affordable apartments now. With the current economy, the chances of my husband finding a supportable job within a month was slim, and my freelancing job, while often supportable, was not a fixed income. What if, for whatever reason, I didn't get enough commissions one month? What would we do? Without saying it, my husband and I both knew the inevitable about our living situation.
We were moving back home with the parents.
Granted, shortly after that, a beam of light broke through the clouds and we were offered the amazing house rental that we currently enjoy. I'm not saying that I'm not thankful every day for this opportunity. What I am saying is that the moment I listed above and everything that happened subsequently broke my spirit to pieces. Everything my husband and I had worked for every minute of every day for the past four years was thrown to the floor and stomped on. Stomped on by the economy, stomped on by every event of 2012, and stomped on by my weighted soul. I don't remember a lot of the first month in this house. I spent most of it curled into a ball on the bed hoping I'd make it through another day. I didn't want to set foot on the floor for fear something wrong would happen. Despite the amazing opportunity we had with the house, the offer would never have been there had we not fallen flat on our faces. Every moment in these walls reminded me of all of our failures.
To make matters worse, because our insurance was no longer valid, I couldn't afford the tests to keep my levothyroxine going. That meant I felt even more terrible than I did. In some ways though, being off of my meds was a blessing. I often slept through the awful mood swings, sometimes through whole days even, if given the chance.
So that's the long of it. In short, things went really bad and I recessed to a very dark place. Did I find the silver lining, realize the amazing gift we'd been given and pick up the pieces? I did. But it took three months. When I finally did come out of it, I wasn't quite the same. I've never been a perky optimist, but I can't say I've had a permanently dark view on life - not until after those three months. Anything bad that happened after that would send me back down that dark path - things like my car going to pieces just a few short weeks before I was supposed to drive 500 miles to see my best friend, or my cat suddenly developing liver failure and dying in three days.
Despite having a new outlook for 2013, how would I rate how I feel about myself? Well, at least it's not as bad as I feel about our finances, but it's certainly not great. And that's what Personal is really all about - what will make me happier and more confident.
Not surprisingly, many of these goals come from other sections of my Wheel, the first being my thyroid medication. I already mentioned above that the lack of levothyroxine was a proverbial kick in the groin while I was already on the ground, so it almost goes without saying that reintroducing it would lift me back up a little. That's straight from my Health goals.
What else would make me feel better about myself? Giving back to my community, from the Spiritual section. A once-girl who used to volunteer often doesn't feel right as a woman who does nothing for others. Setting that straight would certainly bring me up a bit. It would also keep me busy, which keeps my mind from wandering into that dark place I discovered last year.
Next, I needed to protect myself from that dark place. My spiritual goal of meditation would help me to become right with myself, being at peace with my life and the world.
So I'm medicated, I'm protected and I'm giving back, but what am I doing for myself? Well, from my Career goals, I'm drawing 12 illustrations just for little ol' me. Being able to indulge in my life's passion would definitely be a step in the right direction, and one of the only "selfish" things I could do that I'd be completely comfortable with.
Finally, not that I wanted to add appearances, but losing weight would certainly help. And any kind of exercise is sure to make me feel better - in fact, my weight loss adventure last year is what pulled me out of my depressive funk. Doing it full time would definitely drive it away.
But I still needed one final goal. I looked at all of my goals and noticed one thing: I had a lot to do this year if I wanted to 180 my life. How in the world was I going to get this all done?
I needed a planner.
Tomorrow on The Progressive Planner: Picking out my planner and my "Big Three" goals.
What's one goal you have for 2013 that you know will make you feel better about yourself?
No comments:
Post a Comment